“Welcome back to the program, you’re listening to Chet Hargraves, your conscience in the morning, on Calgary’s all-talk superpower, Abs Radio, a CUMWest radio company. Just a reminder, we will be back on Albertan soil next week, but for now we continue to broadcast from our exclusive Atlantis Tours Yacht in the Indian Ocean. Real Pirate Radio, right Ted?”
“Oh man, Chet, I can’t believe how gangster we actually are right now! I’m on a boat, mother-“
“Easy now, Ted. We’re Pirate Radioing but we still have sponsors. And we owe a good deal of thanks to one in particular: the aforementioned Atlantis Tours. Atlantis Tours: Come explore a myth! As I said, we’re out here in the Indian Ocean with Atlantis Tours to experience their brand new underwater theme park, the Republic of Seychelles. Yes, loyal listeners, it’s been nearly five years since the whims of a temperamental Mother Nature overtook the island nation of Seychelles. Six years ago, however, a young entrepreneur by the name of Sal Winfield made a groundbreaking real estate deal and a true boon for Champions of Privatization like you and me. Offering the floundering nation a reprieve, he purchased the entire island from a very thankful president. We have Sal with us this morning. Welcome, Sal.”
“Thanks for having me Chet.”
“Sal, why don’t you tell us a little about Atlantis Tours.”
“Well, it’s pretty simple, Chet. Atlantis Tours is the first company to offer an entire vacation underwater. We’ve left what was once Victoria, the capital, untouched save for a few renovations to maintain structural integrity in some of the larger buildings. Our customers are free to roam the streets, the domiciles, the former jungles, in full scuba gear or, if people are so inclined, from the comfort of our new MiniSubs.”
“And it is something to see, let me tell you, folks. The thing that gets me is the obvious logic surrounding this venture. That the Seychelles were to be submerged by rising sea levels was inevitable, I reckon, so why not check it out?”
“My sentiments exactly!”
“And how do the sleeping arrangements work? I would think sleeping underwater is quite uncomfortable. Also, haven’t I heard rumblings of mermaids servicing the rooms?”
“Oh, Chet, you’ve ruined my big surprise! Let me answer your first question: no, we do not expect people to sleep underwater. Upon arriving in Madagascar, you board a small cruise ship—or a huge houseboat, however you want to look at it. You are then piloted north where the ship drops anchor. From there, you can experience the underwater miracle during the day, and enjoy the ship’s many amenities at night. Now, on to the mermaids—there are not mermaids servicing the rooms. That’s merely what we call our maid staff. You see, here at Atlantis Tours, we want to give back to the community. That’s why we hired many of the former inhabitants of the Seychelles to work for us—cleaning the rooms, cooking, and entertaining!”
“Very benevolent of you.”
“Thanks.”
“But I think you’ve dodged the subject. I won’t name my source, but I’ve heard from someone very reliable that there will be actual mermaids in the water. Didn’t you hear that, Ted?”
“Yes I did Chet. Mr. Winfield told us that before the show—“
“Thank you, Ted. So, are real live mermaids part of the myth we can explore, Sal?”
“Well, you’ve found me out, haha. Our genetics department, in partnership with Japan’s HumanRobotics, has in fact mixed a splice of Siamese giant carp with a mechanical human form. The prototype is roaming the waters now, but we expect to have a dozen in the water by the end of 2021.”
“Simply stunning. Well Sal, thanks so much for joining me this morning.”
“My pleasure.”
“Remember folks, Atlantis Tours is open for business and offering reasonable prices for family or corporate gatherings. We brought the executives of our parent company, CalOil, out with us and they are having the time of their lives. Who wouldn’t want to get out of Calgary for a few days right now? Y'all out there in radioland know what I’m talking about. It’s cold in the ‘Bert right now, and it’s only October! Today’s temperature is expected to reach a high of minus thirty-seven. If you think that’s crazy, try having a conversation with one of these Global Warming-mongerers! Sorry, Suzuki, but when it’s minus thirty-seven as a high, I’m not about to start believing in your cult of eco-terrorism! It’s hard to believe these lunatics have been able to operate as long as they have. I guess that’s what happens when a handful of money-grubbing enviropportunists are able to dupe smart, tax-paying citizens into believing in some giant corporate boondoggle, headed by a mythical “Big Oil.” Their only goal—from the beginning—has been to bring the Western world, and Alberta in particular, to the level of dumb beasts and poor nations. Alright, my blood’s hot right now—oops, I think I may have given Papa Gore and company more ammunition with that one.”
“Haha, good one, Chet!”
“So before I get into the swing of things, let’s throw to a quick word from our sponsors.”
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