“Gentlemen, ladies, thank you for coming this morning. We have called this meeting to address a very real concern regarding our public image. We are at risk of seeming out of touch with the rest of “society”—Ted! Stop playing with your Golden Chinchilla! As I was saying, we do not come across to the general public as the magnanimous corporate entity you and I know we are. All of a sudden providing mining jobs and factory work to the pauper populations of obscure Central American countries is gaining us no additional benefit, other than obscenely low wages. I challenge you folks to find someone in Canada that will work for the pittance we pay them.”
“How about Indians?”
“They’re called aboriginals, Ted, and we’ve done a public poll for this. We found that, with a margin of error of 6% the majority of Canadians were opposed to our “gross indecency” regarding the “basic Human Rights of Canada’s first peoples.” Sweet irony, I know: as little as the first settlers have to do with this issue, one may argue that we, the white Board of Directors, are affected. And I don’t feel my Human Rights trampled on, save, of course, for the Feds’ interference in our activities.”
“Um, I think that “Canada’s first peoples” refers to the First Nat—er, aboriginals, sir.”
“No, that doesn’t make sense. Think about it, Tarah: the settlers were Canada’s first peoples—the original—and the savages game later—aboriginal. Try to keep up, sweetheart. These people aren’t the only thing in our way, either. What colour do you see here, on my sweet Powerpoint presentation?
“Green.”
“Green.”
“Oran—Green.”
“Iranian protestors are the culprits?”
“No, not Iranian protesters. The Environment! Since the ‘70s, bleeding hear liberals have been sidling up to Environmental issues and mounting them with the vigor of our founding CEO mounting a sheep, may he rest in peace. We need to start looking out for the Environment, people! For example, if Gold Mine X in Guatemala is found to be poisoning poor people downstream, what is our most effective course of action?”
“Round up the community, kill the strong, and bribe the rest.”
“Too costly, but you’re thinking and I like that, Ted.”
“Shut down the mine, address the environmental issues at hand, and work with the community to a fair solution.”
“Good God, no! Was that a joke?
“…Yes.”
“Haha, whew. These are nervous times, Tarah, and although we all appreciate a good Dane Cook-ing, we’re here for business. Try to stay focused.”
“What if we target the lead whistleblower—I’m assuming there’s a lead whistleblower…”
“Go on.”
“Right, so we target this cat and harass him a bit. You know, some minor physical violence, maybe a few rocks thrown through his family’s window—“
“Most of this community is without windows, but we can work around that. Please, continue.”
“Well, while we’re doing this at Ground Zero, we contract out a new spokesperson. Maybe, Kermit the Frog? People love him. I think he’s a bit preachy, but—“
“That’s beautiful Ted! Who’s greener than Kermit the Frog?”
“Gumby?”
“It was rhetorical, Ted. It would be a good idea to contract out the harassment job too. You know, keep our hands as Green as possible. Simon, doesn’t your brother run a private security firm out of Edmonton?”
“He does. We’ve used his company before, sir. With our Iraq project—Operation Iraqi Oil?”
“Of course. How has that worked out for us?”
“Well, do you hear the CBC decrying the deaths of all those Kurdish activists last week?”
“Sweet Harper, you’re right! I barely heard about that!”
“I’m not sure what his manpower is right now, but I’m sure BallWaterInc should be able to provide us with a minimum of three security guards over a, say, three-week period. That should do the trick.”
“Indeed, it should. Simon, run the CBA on this one. Alright, I’m feeling more environmentally friendly already. What else…How could I forget? Jane, where do we stand on the Climate Summit?
“We’ve sent our team along with the PM and Environment Minister. And, they’ve been lobbying them for the past year. Our concerns have been addressed.”
“I thought I heard that those beautiful bureaucratic bastards didn’t even go to the summit?”
“As I said, our concerns have been addressed.”
“Wonderful! Good talk, everyone! I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m famished. Brandine! We need lunch! Three jumbo shrimp rings, a vat of Tears-of-the-Poor soup, and seven fried elephant penises for dessert—of course, I’m sorry Ted. I forgot you were trying to cut back. Six fried elephant penises, please.”
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