Transcript (unofficial) of The Great Leader’s Speech to the World Economic Forum in Davos
My Fellow Delegates and Bono … I’m a big U2 fan…
My country's oil dependent economy is going down the sink-hole, as the industrialised world's economies head further into the abyss and demand for energy drops. Our unemployment level rises and so do taxes. Our infrastructure, roads, highways are crumbling. Some of our major cities are run by street gangs with underworld connections and corruption at the highest levels is rife. Our high-school drop-out rates are rising, and government funding of scientific research is dropping as the national deficit or debt is ballooning. So would you want to invest in such a bloody mess? Certainly not!
A lot of this is my fault. I have not been the most competent leader. However, I assure you things are changing. I have recently prorogued our parliament. This will make it easier for me to carry out draconian neo-liberal reforms to augment our economic performance and make my country more attractive to foreign investment. I shall eradicate the homeless, get rid of welfare mothers sponging off the state. I will close the food banks so the lazy bums, work for food instead of expecting handouts. I will make pensioners eligible to receive benefits only over 75. These people, should stay on the job and be productive instead of loafing around the house, or spending time shuffle-boarding in Florida. What’s wrong with working for less than minimum wage as a Wal-Mart greeter?
Furthermore, I intend to increase military spending, so my country is safe and protected from invading Russian polar bears and throngs of illegal Mexicans. I would like to extend a special invitation to China to buy –out what remains of our national resources at reduced prices. This is a limited- time offer, so act now Hu Jin Tao! Finally I want you to know that I am running my country with an iron fist, and I shall crush the slightest stirrings of opposition to my rule in ways, which would have made Pinochet I am sure.. ( a reflective pause)... blush and flush with unease.
God Bless Alberta and our magnificent tar sands!
Note: Applause follows…. shining looks of approval and especially loud and energetic clapping comes from the front row where the big oil executives are seated.
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