Dial tone followed by a few electronic rings, and an automated sweet-sounding female recorded voice answers:
“ Thank you for callng. You have reached the Parliament of Canada, for English, press one… For French press two, for Spanish press three. For Pashto and Dari press five…. For Creole press six for any other language, dialect or tribal tongues used in this country press 7.”
One is pressed.
“Welcome again to the parliament of Canada. We thank you for your call, however, we are closed at the moment and will remain out of session until March 3rd due to prorogation decreed by our great leader… If you need to talk to one of your conservative M.Ps who’s very busy right now “recalibrating”, scheming and plotting ways to evade all accountability into and about actions related to governing before a public parliamentary inquiry press one.
" If you wish to talk to the leader of the opposition who is currently jet- setting around the country, trying to assess Canadians’ support for another election press two, to speak to his staffer, who has very little to say to you … If you wish to speak to the leader of the NDP there is no option to press …. If you wish to speak to the leader of the “Bloc” then please press zero and an operator who speaks both official languages perfectly but may not understand a word you say will attend to your request or better yet just hang up.
"If you want to reach anyone in parliament during the prorogation period but do not know their, his or her name press three... If you are wondering why we are making you press all these buttons and are fed up with this whole time –wasting, idiotic run-around which you are getting and the current federal government’s total lack of accountability on issues such as the imploding economy, the Afghanistan quagmire which is costing billions and leaves innocent civilians targeted, killed and perhaps tortured by our troops along with the Taliban prisoners, which often results in many of “our troops’ returning home in Canadian made maple -wood coffins press five.."
Caller presses five.
“You have not selected an acceptable option… Please press another buttin”
Caller then exasperated presses six.
“You have selected option six …. Which means you are then apparently , not sure where this country is headed in the post- prorogation era and require some sort of immediate assurance and attention from an honest and responsible M.P sitting in the house, that our parliamentary sytem is not in terminal condition and Canada is yet not veering towards some sort of quasi authoritarianism, imposed by our great leader. Now please press one and we will deal with your conundrum. "
Caller presses 1
“You have selected an option which does not exist please hang up and thank you for calling the government of Canada parliamentary help line. It was our pleasure to serve you, and please call again soon.”
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